Pythagorean Woes
by nicnac918
Summary: Five ways Bill Cipher wasn't thwarted


Fiddleford looked doubtfully at scribbled down phone number that Mrs. Pines had given him, after he managed to convince her, that no, he really wasn't calling for a psychic reading. He hadn't even known that Ford _had_ a twin, and Mrs. Pines' comment that they were lucky that Stan had a phone at the moment didn't seem promising. But it wasn't like he had any other options.

The phone rang and rang and rang, and Fiddleford began to twitch. What if this Stanley wasn't home? Fiddleford didn't have time to wait and try again later, he needed to –

"Hey, Ma. Sorry, just got back."

Fiddleford blinked a few times. "Oh, no. This is Fiddleford McGucket. I am, was the research assistant for your brother Stanford."

"Ford?! What's the matter? Is he okay?"

Fiddleford glanced over at his memory gun prototype sitting on the table next to the phone. He could do this. He just needed to make sure there was someone else out there who knew what all was happening, someone who maybe stood a chance of stopping Ford before he and that "muse" of his destroyed them all. Just one more phone conversation and then…

Fiddleford took a deep breath. "No. He's really, really not."

* * *

"Hello? Mr. Pines?" Soos called, but the Mystery Shack was as quiet as it was dark. Or was it as dark as it was quiet? Huh.

Soos stepped into the gift shop, careful not to break the silence, just in case Mr. Pines had fallen asleep in his recliner and that's why he wasn't answering. Abuelita had told Soos that he should have just waited until tomorrow to get his phone, since he was coming in to work anyway, but Soos couldn't do that. What if Mr. Pines suddenly needed him in the middle of the night and tried calling him on his cell phone, but Soos didn't answer because he'd accidentally forgotten it here earlier? In fact, maybe Mr. Pines was trying to call him right now. Soos listened, but he didn't hear his phone ringing. Guess not then.

He peered around the dark gift shop, trying to remember where exactly he'd left that thing, when something caught his eye. The vending machine was tilted or something, like someone had pulled one side of it away from the wall a little bit. Soos went over to fix it, only to find that the reason that it looked like that was because the vending machine was actually a secret door that someone had left open a crack. A secret door that led to a secret elevator to a secret basement with a secret mad science lab and a secret ginormous portal.

"Holy cow, Mr. Pines! You have Stargate in your basement?"

Startled, Mr. Pines looked up from where he had been working on some papers at his desk. "Soos? How the hell did you get down here? And what the hell is a Stargate? Wait, no, just the first question."

"I forgot my cell phone here earlier, and when I came back to get it just now, I saw the open vending machine door," Soos said, and Mr. Pines smacked himself on the forehead. Huh, maybe Soos wasn't supposed to come down here. Oh well, too late now. "So this portal: are we talking interplanetary, intergalactic, or interdimensional?"

"Interdimensional," Mr. Pines said. Score! That was Soos's favorite kind of inter. Mr. Pines looked at Soos for a minute like he was thinking real hard about something, then said, "Do you think you'd want to help me finish fixing this thing?"

Soos shrugged. "Sure thing. I mean, that's kind of my job isn't it?" It would probably be a lot harder than some of the other things he had to fix, but he'd figure it out.

"So, first thing we need to do is make sure that when we're opening a gap in the fabric of the multiverse, we don't also rip a permanent rift in the space-time continuum. Well, actually the first thing we should do is make sure it's not not working just because it got accidentally unplugged, but the second thing…"

* * *

Mabel dug through Dipper's nerd bag, looking for the thing Time Travel Guy had showed her. Her hand closed on a round object, and she peered down at it in the bag. It looked like it might be what he wanted, though it was kind of weird and glowy and sparkly, which suddenly reminded Mabel of Celestabellebethabelle.

Sure, unicorns were a bunch of lying jerks, but Celestabellebethabelle hadn't been totally wrong about Mabel not being completely pure of heart. She tried to be good, but sometimes she was kind of selfish. Like she was being now. And yeah, Dipper and Grunkle Ford were also being big meanie poop heads, but that didn't mean Mabel should be mean back. That would create, like, a cycle of meanness or something.

Mabel nodded to herself, closed the backpack and slipped it back on. "Wait right here," she told Time Travel Guy, before running back to the Mystery Shack. She would ask Grunkle Ford if it was okay for her to have his weird science-y snow globe, then after he gave it to her, she could give it to Time Travel Guy so he could freeze Gravity Falls in summer for just a few more weeks, maybe a month or two.

Yep, that was definitely a good plan.

* * *

Ducking monsters and just general weirdness, Wendy made her way to the town square. That's where everything seemed to be coming from, which meant that was most likely where Dipper and Mabel were, which meant that was where Wendy needed to be, either to get the kids out of there, or help them save the world. Wendy figured she'd get there first and then just roll with whatever was going on. Finally she reached the town square, where she was confronted by a group of monsters who looked like they were all being led by that weird triangle dude that kept showing up all over the place. Bill or whatever. No sign of the twins yet, but they had to be hiding around here somewhere.

Suddenly a giant laser shot out of the church bell tower, piercing a hole straight through Bill's hat. That'd be where the kids were, then. Wendy creeped around the square, grateful that the monsters all seemed to be distracted by Dr. Pines, because despite the destruction everywhere, this area was still pretty open, without a lot of rubble to hide behind. Luckily she was able to make it over to the church just in time to tackle Dipper to the ground and cover his mouth before he did something stupid, like announce his presence to the monsters.

Dipper struggled for a minute, then froze, wide-eyed, when he realized who it was. Wendy leaned in close until her mouth was right next to his ear and whispered, "Is that laser gun still up there?"

Dipper nodded. "I think so." Wendy got up off of him and the two of them sneaked their way back into the church.

In a strange way, it was kind of good that Bill had captured Dr. Pines. Now that he had the person who shot him, Bill seemed arrogant enough not to worry about someone else trying. So all Wendy had to do was get a hold of that gun and shoot him again, dead on this time. And Wendy was a Corduroy, and had survived 15 years of apocalypse training. She didn't miss.

* * *

 _Between him and me._

Ford almost said it, then clamped his lips shut at the last second. Right as they were about to fulfill the prophecy to stop Bill Cipher, and while Stan was already being unreasonably belligerent was probably not the best time for this. Saving the world now, picking a fight – not that Ford would in any way be trying to pick a fight. If anything, he was being helpful. But Stan was just so sensitive and so self-centered, like he thought each action Ford took was calculated to disparage and belittle him personally. Not everything was about you, Stanley! There were bigger and more important things at stake like stopping Weirdmageddon or proper grammar. Ugh, he was just so childish.

But yes, saving the world now, picking a fight later.

* * *

AN: So I know that technically the Pythagorean Theorem is for right triangles, and Bill is an acute isosceles, but guys, let me have this. Titles are hard!


End file.
